Dear Life: Entry Two (Entries from the broken)

October 14th, 2019

Dear Life,

I’m trying to be a better person. Sometimes it’s really hard, and sometimes I think that I’m not doing anything right. I try to be really good, but it’s hard. It’s hard to be a kind person when life hasn’t been so kind to you.

I really don’t think I should be here. It’s not fair that I survived twenty years and kids who have the same heart condition as me, or different conditions don’t survive. What’s my purpose? Why am I still alive? I wish I could die, so those kids could receive a second chance. I feel like I don’t deserve a chance.

I just want a friend who’ll listen. I just want a friend who’ll be there when I tell them something’s wrong. I wish my best friend (well the person who claims to be my best friend), would be there for me when I need someone. I always make sure to let her talk about things bothering her, talk about her favorite things, and talk about any crushes she has. I let her tell me everything. When I try to talk to her though, I just get shut out or she ignores me. For her, it’s K-pop this and K-pop that. She’s always saying shit like, “not to sound like a brat” I got some news for you, when you tell me that you get to work from home, or that you don’t have to go to school, it sounds kind of bratty.

I want to be loved. I pray every night that someone who I find attractive will like me back. No one’s ever liked me back, and if they did, they ended up being a total dick. I really like this guy right now, his name is Ian. He’s really cute, super sweet, and has really good taste in music. I don’t think he’d ever go for someone like me, because I’m awkward, annoying, and have no fucking self-esteem. I overshare too, which is the worst thing I could ever do. He probably finds me annoying and is just being nice. Every guy I like seems to do that to me.

I cry every night. At least I’ve cried every night for the past month. It seems I do a lot of crying these days. I cry about school, life, boys, friends, family, the future, and so many other things. Sometimes I’m just so sad for no reason at all, I just feel drained. When I feel like that, I want to kill myself. When I feel drained, upset, and really tired, I think about what it’d be like to swallow a bunch of pills, put a bullet in my brain, or slit my wrist. I think about how no one would really miss me. I’m not miscible, and I was probably meant to die since I almost died at two weeks old.

They always say to be loved, you have to love yourself first. I don’t think that’s true. I think I’m just unlovable. I want a boyfriend so bad, I want to have my first kiss. I don’t think it’ll ever happen though. I’m awkward, ugly, and have a stupid ass scar that just makes everything worse. No one’s going to want to fall in love with me, and I’m beginning to realize that. Not any of the boys I loved from high school, or any of the famous people I thought I’d have a chance with.

Sometimes I think about what it’d be like to just throw every form of identification away and go off the grid. I imagine what it’d be like to pull a Christopher McCandless and just go out into the wild. Except I don’t know if I would plan to come back as he did. I think I would decide to die out there. I think I’d tell myself to just die. Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to do that, just go off the grid and never come back. Drop out of school, dispose of all information that says I exist.

If there’s a god out there, can they please help me out? If there’s a god out there, I just want them to give me a chance. A chance at love. A chance at a happier life. If there’s a god out there, I just want them to listen to my prayers and my cries. I want them to give me a chance. Please, I want a chance. I want a chance with a guy I like, I want a chance at being okay. I try, sometimes it doesn’t seem like it, but I try. So if anyone is fucking listening to my pleas, then just give me a sign.

I want to be a better person, and I’m trying really hard to be. I just feel like it’s time to give up though. Being a good person doesn’t seem to get me anywhere, but back to square one. The square where I hate myself, have bad days and feel like the best option is ending it all. So if this is karma’s way of telling me I’m doing something wrong, then I think I’d rather just die.

Every day is a bad day now. I just want to be loved. Loved by someone. I pray every night someone comes to me. It’s not going to happen though, because I don’t deserve love. I don’t deserve anything, and I just want to die. Every day is a bad day now. Every night is a bad night now. Every Night consists of tears and unreceived prayers.

If there’s a god out there, and they’re seeing this or reading this, or whatever they do. Please, for once. Please just answer my prayers. I want love from someone I LIKE. I want to wake up one morning or go to sleep to a stupid Snapchat from that one guy, that says he thinks I’m cute. I just want a chance with someone that I find attractive. So if there’s a god out there, can they please answer my prayers. Can they maybe give me a chance with someone I like? Can whatever god is out there, please just do this one thing for me. I’m trying to be a better person, I’m really trying. So it’d be nice to have my prayers answered.

I haven’t been okay for a really long time. I miss my grandpa, and I miss my dad. My dad is still alive but everything changed when his dad died. Then everything changed when he almost died. Sometimes I’m worried I’ll wake up to find out my dad died. I hate that I think that. I hate that I think about this all the time. It’s hard not too though.

Please answer my prayers. Please answer my prayers about being loved. Please answer my prayers about having a chance with a boy. I just want to feel special and loved. I just want that experience with a boy. So please, if someone is fucking listening. If someone, anyone out there is listening to my prayers, just give me one fucking chance. I want to feel loved, by a boy I like. I want to be able to look into his eyes, and think, “God, this dude is the greatest thing to happen to me.” I want to feel that. I want to have that chance with someone that I find cute.

If this is my last time writing, then I’m so sorry. I don’t think I can take this anymore. Life isn’t worth this much pain. I don’t think it’s worth this much pain to get up every fucking morning and start my day.

For real, if anyone is reading this. If anyone is fucking listening, just give me that chance at love. I really don’t want to search high and low for this anymore. I want it to happen. I want to wake up and have that guy I like, like me back.

I guess I’ll end this by saying….

Dear Life,

If you’re listening. Please give me that chance. Please give me a chance with the boy from work. I just want to be liked by someone I like. I’m really trying to be a better person, but my life is just falling apart instead.

So if someone is out there listening to every single prayer, and watching as I write this. I just pray that I get my chance.

Love,

Jude